Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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