I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
