I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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