Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
