look no pants
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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