I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
