I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
