Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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