I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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