not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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