i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize