just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
