dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
