I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
