Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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