I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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