I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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