he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
