so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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