her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
