Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
