My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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