dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
