I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
