I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
