did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
