I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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