she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
