I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
