we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Randomize
