The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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