She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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