Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
