I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
tell me about the eggs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
