i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you made out with another girl for some wings
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
