I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
