Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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