just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize