3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
