i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
