He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize