Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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