I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
