im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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