I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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