It's Friday. Sex?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
