Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
