I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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