I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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