He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
