Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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