i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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