I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
