Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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