I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
